1O Seconds
by Troodon
Summary: A Kathryn Janeway has ten seconds left before she dies. This is ten seconds inside her head. Takes place during the season two episode Deadlock.


A/N: This was inspired by a rerun of the episode "Deadlock", from season two. Seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? (Translation: please forgive me if I get a line or two wrong.) Even though the idea of two Voyagers was not very original, "Deadlock" was still one of the best episodes of season two. And besides, I was in a mood to wax philosophical. So here is the result of my midnight scribblings and my very first attempt to write Janeway. Constructive comments would be very appreciated.

_Disclaimer: The following is a piece of fanfiction. No money is made off this. There is no copyright infringement intended; all characters, concepts and backgrounds belong to the Star Trek franchise/Paramount._

* * *

**1O Seconds**

1O –

Two ships were locked together; one of them would die. She feels her heart thudding frantically, and she thinks, _how many more?_ She'd played God in this dilemma. Now was the time for regrets.

* * *

9 – 

She wishes it hadn't had to come to this end. But Kathryn Janeway and Kathryn Janeway had an absolute understanding. Aren't they the one and the same, after all? The same person, taking up the same time and space. The scientist in her was exalting at the implications, at all the overwhelming possibilities.

Instead, she fingers the four pips on her collar. She wants to rip them off.

* * *

8 – 

But her crew – two crews – need her. She can't lose her head now. It was one thing knowing she had made the right choice in setting her Voyager to self-destruct, but it was another expecting her crew to accept their impending deaths. What does her crew think of her, that cold-hearted machination with the power to decide who lives, and who doesn't? How does she explain to them that they're not really dying, when there's only mere seconds left for consciousness?

* * *

7 – 

"Captain, the Vidiians are trying to disable the force field around the bridge," her security officer intones from his station. She manages a nod. Damn it, won't she even have these last moments to herself? She finds herself gripping the armrest of her command chair, unable to let go. Her senses are spurred into over sensitivity. _Breathe, Kathryn, breathe. Soon you won't need to._ She hears her heart beating, _boom-boom, boom-boom_.

_I die and I live. Our deaths will salvage our lives. _Strangely enough, there was a small measure of comfort in that thought.

* * *

6 – 

Her fingers loosen. She smiles unexpectedly at that stray wisp of reflection. Tuvok raises an eloquent eyebrow in response. She is grateful for his calm acceptance. She was still marvelling at the perfect irony of her situation. She wonders if she is calm, because she is numb. Should she feel bitterness? How could she, when she's dying to save herself? She is aware of all the eyes on her. Is she fidgeting? Captains don't fidget. No, she's steady and stalwart, still as a rock. She could feel her officers drawing strength from her firm gaze, turning uncertainty into a confident determination. What a fine crew she has.

But there's a niggling thought of failure, of journeys unending and things unfinished. The responsibility threatens to suffocate her. There's not enough time.

* * *

5 – 

Time enough, maybe, for some heroic last words. Captains were supposed to make those speeches, weren't they? She wishes she could concoct some heart-stirring, soul-touching words to fire up the hearts of her crew. But what could she say? She has no words to express her confessions or her gratitude. No words could ever do justice to their lives. Her voice has gone with all the silence.

She can only breathe a voiceless wish: _remember us. Remember me._ But that request sounded silly, safe as it was inside her mind. Besides, she convinces herself, she isn't really dying.

Is she fidgeting?

* * *

4 – 

She is suddenly aware of how quiet everyone is. During these precious moments every man and woman were sunk into themselves, quiet, preparing. Meanwhile the Vidiians are hammering away at the force field to Voyager's last stronghold, and the whole ship is deathly silent. In the inhospitable Delta Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway had expected to go out with klaxons blaring and weapons firing, going out all or nothing. But the bridge is silent. Contemplative.

She looks around the bridge at her officers, her friends. She thinks of her many families, of the joyful camaraderie, of soul-quenching dinners in the mess. She thinks back to home and the smell of fresh coffee, of warm sunshine on an unblemished face, and she feels blessed. She sees creation through destruction.

* * *

3 – 

That's hope enough for her. She wishes fervently for the other Janeway to feel the same faith. She hears a defiant buzz as the force field collapses; the Vidiians have broken through at last. But for what? She smiles slightly and opens her eyes. _We will die so we may live._ It made perfect sense. She stands up to face the intruders, and finds her voice.

"I'm Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Welcome aboard," she hears herself say, as if already from a great distance. She watches her time run out with a contented detachment. She knows where she stands; she knows this is not the end.

With the air of delivering the final punch line of an elaborate joke, she notes the Vidiians' looks of dawning realization. What a welcome, indeed. Their horrified gazes settle on the self-destruct timer, ticking, running down, steady and indifferent.

_Gotcha._

* * *

2 – 

She will go with her eyes open, pleased and defiant. All her thoughts have departed. Time, it seems, is hurrying up.

* * *

1 – 

There's no time to feel fear, because there isn't time anymore.

* * *

O. 


End file.
